Diary+Entry+3MPJH

May 20, 1938

Heaven. I've been wondering these days what that word really means. What does heaven really mean? Where is it? Will it hurt when we go there? My brother went off for the military a few months ago, and my family has fallen into a state of despair. My parents are barely holding on. My mother cries almost on an everyday basis, and my father does nothing but stare at the bonsai trees in our garden. My sisters were married off each a few months separate from each other, and Hana still has not given my parents the joy of being grandparents yet. I think that bringing a child into this world may be unfair and inhumane, but to my family I think a child would be a great joy. My mother would keep herself busy by tending to Hana and the newborn, and my father would be happy because he adores children.

I saw Rin obasan, Daiki's mother, out in the roads yesterday, and I felt so sorry for her. She was pulling Haru, Daiki's younger brother, with one hand and dragging along a basket of goods she had bought from the market. I greeted her, and she just nodded once before going her way once more. I'm not sure if she recognized who I am, but I definitely had a hard time recognizing her because her face was weathered down by misery, worry, and regret. Two of her sons have been taken from her and taken to the army. It's our belief that they are currently centered in Manchuria, but we don't know what has happened recently because of very little correspondence we have had. My brother, also, has only sent one letter to us informing us of his safe arrival in Manchuria. My mother is about to go crazy because she's almost convinced that Kyouta is dead. My sisters and I have tried constantly to persuade her that Kyouta is alive, but she is stubborn. I don't know why she would put herself in so much pain when she could be optimistic. I'm worried that this thought pattern will only end up going against Kyouta and making something bad happen. Optimism should be practiced in such depressing environments.

I want everything to turn out okay. I'm so worried.

Signed, Tokieda Airi